A Testimony of Wounds

Have you ever been surrounded by people but at the same time desperately lonely? If we were completely honest all of us would confess to going through that emotional experience. For me it was the summer after I graduated from College in 1999. At the time I was in a serious relationship with a female student who was a few years younger than me. In fact we were engaged and had already picked out a date for the wedding. The only thing left was paying a small amount of money that was needed for the engagement ring.

Life was exciting and wonderful for me following graduation. I looked forward to becoming involved in God’s calling upon my life as a Missionary, and becoming married. Then something strange happened. The Lord began to show me that she was not his will for my life. Looking back I feel that there was always a part of me which knew that we should not be getting engaged. But the desire for a wife and companionship caused me to continue pursuing the relationship.

Finally I ended the engagement which honestly wounded both myself, and the young woman. To this day I feel embarassment and shame over what I did to her. But the experience did leave scars on my own heart as well. And seeing all of my friends falling in love and getting married while I had to call off my engagement kept those wounds from healing properly. At first it just made me a little bit uncomfortable, then I began to become angry about it, and after a few months the desire for love became something that consumed me.

By God’s grace this feeling did not lead me to pursue addictions to things such as pornography or alcohol. But it did focus me upon gaining a girlfriend at all costs. For the next two years I thought only about developing a relationship which would heal the scars that I had.

During that time I did meet a girl and after hanging out together a few times, started dating. Within a few weeks I was completely in love with her. It seemed as if I was finally able to heal those wounds that cried out for companionship. But after a few months she began to become very controlling. Everything had to be done exactly the way that she wanted. And when it wasn’t her response was going into fits of rage. At first this didn’t really bother me because all I cared about was taking away my pain. But over time her hunger for control began to take away any of the happiness in that relationship.

Amazingly I stayed in that relationship for a long time even though I knew that it wasn’t healthy. The fear of being by myself with the painful wounds again kept me from doing the right thing. But I finally did end things after realizing the toll that it was taking on me emotionally and physically.

For the six months following that breakup I focused on getting myself healthy again. This meant going on a strict diet and exercise routine that got me in the best shape of my entire life. It also involved making new friends and spending time in God’s Word. Over that time the Lord began to strengthen me in him. But those wounds still remained.

In the months that followed I rode a spiritual and emotional roller coaster. One day I was fine trusting in the Lord to give me the desires of my heart. The next I was in deep dark depression over my still being single. These swings put a great deal of pressure upon not only myself but also my friends who helped me in those times of need.